There’s One Type of People

Photo by Ingo Joseph from Pexels

“There are two types of people in this world.”

There are those that put their pants on one leg at a time. Day in and day out (or whenever pants are required) those within this select class repeat a complex dressing process, taking care to put on one leg at a time, but never both at once.

To begin, these people move either their right or left leg (but never both) into the item of clothing. Through the simultaneous effort of wiggling their first leg and pulling up on the chosen garment, the wearer gradually pushes the first limb through the leg chasm while arranging the upper compartment of the item around the waist.

Once that feat is accomplished, the subject then proceeds to angle the second leg into the pants, using their first leg to balance while repeating the dressing technique implemented for the first leg.

This technique has been passed down for generations and speaks a great deal to the appreciation held for tradition and societal standards. Putting on pants in this fashion is something that many were taught by a parent or caretaker. This willingness to follow and learn from elders translates to almost every area of life for these individuals. Easily identifiable by their appreciation for food, music and human interaction, they also share a tendency to feel emotions, though their method of expression often varies.

The final telltale sign of a one-pant-leg-at-a-timer is an unbreakable will to breath. Without fail, people belonging to this group inhale and exhale oxygen through their lungs with alarming consistency, offering a dead giveaway to anyone who might hope to identify a member of this prestigious class.

Sadly, there are those that would wish to topple this tried and true way of life. “Jumpers,” as coined by those in the industry of people-classification, have the audacity to put on both pant legs at the same time.

Holding the pants in front of their bodies, jumpers leap upward, bringing both feet over the waist of the pants and planting them through the garment passages, one leg to each threshold. Through a complex leg-straightening maneuver, jumpers keep their toes pointed downward until the final moment when they can straighten out their feet for a clean landing.

These “people” share a number of despicable traits: they frequently experience injuries to their toes or legs; they tend to feel nothing, hating all of the things that most people enjoy; they care nothing for human contact; they demonstrate an absolute apathy towards everything (other than their insistence on putting on both pant legs at the same time). Famous jumpers include the likes of Voldemort, Sauron and Ramsey Bolton, though confirmation of their jumper status is lacking.

The threat jumpers pose to society is extreme, making it critical that one-pant-leg-at-a-timers unite to create a better world.

As some say, there are two types of people in this world.

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